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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
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2:33 pm - the death of the "crazy daisies"
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So I have these Crazy Daisies in a vase. You know, the rediculously brightly dyed daisies one can obtain at food city, kroger, etc.
My parents got them for the night we returned from Lebanon. I guess my mom assumed the brightness and funky cheerfullness would appeal to me. Oh and indeed they did, with their magenta, cobalt, and lime faces staring up at me-in a sense saying, "welcome home, to happy land-where nothing bad can get to you!"
I find it strange that today, a month later, I notice that they are finally wilting-yes, somehow their false fronts of brightness have lasted this long! They still looked happy!
In a way, I feel like I am at the same point as the faithful Crazy Daisies; I have given up on having a false front. Ok, or at least I am attempting to. I leave for school tommorrow, and I would love to be able to show people my true personality, you know? I learned a lot about that this summer-being myself around new people, that is.
Another thing that came to mind when I looked at those rediculous flowers is that I lost a bit of my childlike innocence this summer. Just, with everything that happened in Lebanon, this amazing country which I fell in love with, I lost my trust in government, and I guess my faith in some friends. Most of you were amazing and it was truely awesome to hear how many people were thinking of us, etc., but still, with the experiance naturally came a slight feeling of abandonment which I now have had to figure out how to live with. I guess a lot of it is that I have realized how much "bad" (call it evil, hatred, greed, whatever you like) there really is out there. We tell the young that good will always triumph over evil-but where is the good in Israel bombing a carload of 13 people (several of them children) on their way to seek medical attention in beirut? Where is the good in telling people to evacuate their homes or they will be killed, then finding where they fled to and bombing those buildings? There was no righteousness in the pointless murder of thousands (yes, the number has risen into the thousandS) of innocent lebanese people, as well as those lost in Israel (I may not agree with or like them, but there is still no reason for their deaths).
These are the thoughts that plague my quiet moments (or rather, prevent me from truely having any). When people tell me "well I'm sure that trip has changed your life"-you're right, it truely has. I am so very grateful to have had it, but it is also so hard. Even though there was a cease-fire, it is in no way over for my friends over there-they still have a foreign military in their country, one that has no true justification for being there (you may not agree with me, but imagine the mexican army invading texas-no matter how right they thought they were in doing so, would you not be furious?).
But back to those daisies. The first, most blatantly obvious comparison which came to mind, is the loss of a friendship which I at one point treasured. I had hoped there was some sort of chance for this friendship, but after "recent events" haha, there is no hope of its survival (like my daisies...see the connection? Oh yes, indeed indeed). Once something starts rotting at its roots (or just the stem in the case of the daisies) I guess there isn't much hope for it.
Fortunately, there are tons of awesome people in my life, so a couple rough patches don't really matter (there are plenty of daisies in the "stores", you just have to find some that make you happy).
Well I'll just be an hour and a half down the road, so keep in touch everybody, just call if you ever need anything (and I'm being sincere in saying this, I refuse to just forget my life here and completely start a new one-I want a nice blend).
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| Saturday, August 5th, 2006
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2:02 am - Bad news baby...
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So today my mom and I started shopping for college things, and while we were enjoying a fine country meal at Cracker Barrel (oh I do love my country ham) she told me that my dog Buddy's cancer has come back.
Apparently they found out about it the day Israel started bombing lebanon, but it wasn't something they wanted to burden me with at the time (I think they were probably afraid I would have snapped or something...haha, maybe).
So we've had him since I was 6, he's a member of the family. He's basically the most mild manered dog you'll meet, with a little jealous streak and a mind that thinks it's human. We aren't going to do chemo this time because he'd have to be on it for the rest of his life, going to the vet every other week and there's no reason to put him through that-hopefully we can still have several months with him. He's still acting pretty healthy, except he's tired more often and has lost a little weight.
Ok so I'm done lamenting over my doggie-I'm just trying to get myself ready, I've never really lost a pet before, we've given a few away and that was hard, but this is completely different.
Anyway, I hope all is well with you and yours :-)
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| Sunday, July 30th, 2006
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11:10 pm - Reading for Comprehension
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Ok, so I know a lot of you don't really know what's going on between Lebanon and Israel. I don't blame ya, the news here has been pretty one-sided, mostly sticking to Israel's viewpoint. After a massacre in which israel killed 2 large families, however, some of the news is pointing more negatively towards Israel. It has actually gone as far as to dissagree with the U.S.'s stubborness in continually shutting down plans for a cease-fire. So anyway, if you're interested in what's going on, please check out this page.
http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/israel-suspends-aerial-attacks-for-two/20060728045409990004?ncid=NWS00010000000001
It's a really good article about the recent happenings. This is something I feel really strongly about now. We should be putting pressure on our government to stop allowing (and assisting in via monitary donations to Israel) all of this bloodshed. I know Hezbollah has been labled a terrorist group, and I'm in no way supporting them, but they are the only thing which defends lebanon and keeps it from becoming northern Israel, and if Israel would stop bombing all of lebanon and give back the Lebanese prisoners it's been torturing for years, then ummm maybe hezbollah would stop firing rockets. Let's see...oh yeah, that's what Hassan said in the beginning! Ya know, before all of this craziness and bloodshed began.
Ok so I'm done ranting hehe...just had to get some of that out, and what better way to get it out than to hundreds of people?
But seriously, I can't just be apathetic anymore and be like "eh, there's some fighting going on in the middle east, but it has nothing to do with me" because it does, it effects all of us
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| Saturday, June 17th, 2006
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9:20 am - Oh happy day
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Today is my birthday...I turned 19 at 7:50...
19 isn't a very exciting age, but it's one step closer to 21, which is a little bit exciting. In 2 days, I leave for the desert. Ok, so Lebanon isn't the desert, but it's pretty hot! (Yes, I know most of you probably know this already).
I got some summery clothes for the trip yesterday, because I think the goal is to wear as little clothing as possible (ok, so not really the goal...but I didn't have enough tops that I wouldn't bake in).
Anyway, I'm off to clean my room (because my parents are AWESOME).
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| Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
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10:56 pm - Happies
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So life is pretty awesome right now.
I have a lot of my friends around me, I have the prospect of an incredible time in Lebanon with my Zuzu in the very very near future. I've been hanging out with a great guy who treats me really well, and right now there isn't much stress in my life, seeing as it's summer and all that.
I'm happy, and I like it.
Oh and happy birthday finney!
and late happy birthday abbers! lof you!
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| Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
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12:47 am
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So..I must say...I'm tired of these emotions.
All the time with friends is awesome, and I don't think as much then.
I hate thinking, I don't like feeling, I wish my brain and heart could just be numb to his existence for the next several days and the suddenly on friday just be like "oh, hi good friend, we're going to prom together and are going to enjoy eachother's company even though we're no longer together and I hate the idea of you with other girls. But I promise it will be a swell time."
Basically...I'd love a 5 day long nap.
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| Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
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7:44 am - Rugby rugby rugby
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So I officially love rugby. Yeah, I'd worried that I'd have an awful time at nashbash, that everyone would fight, that I'd be bored or really freaked out, that I'd completely suck, etc...
Buuuut none of this has happened! Well, ok, some arguments have happened, but nothing bad really and I've managed to avoid it. Also, I scored a try in our second game at Nashbash (Nash Bash?) so although I need to work on tackles, getting out of the pack, and about ten dozen other things, I don't completely suck! yaaaay!!! Also, I had fun! Genuine, honest fun. And had silly crazy good times with people. And a lot of the team got closer, which is really good, and then there's always Tarani's Olga story which shall live forever in our nashbash memories... ahahahaha, "really? My name's olga too!!" She was pretty skinny for a national team member though, I was surprised.
Ohhh people, I hope you're all having a grand spring break (or not spring break for my out of town friends.. ), I think I'm getting sick (mean mean boyfriend...just kiddin of course, he's lovely, I'm just hoping i'm not getting that, because he's not having fun with it).
And I'm getting a haircut today! Isn't that exciting? It is, I swear. Seriously.
Oh, and Linny, do not worry, I shan't become completely and utterly obsessed with this crazy sport to the point of caring for nothing outside of it. This won't happen.
Ohh, and if anyone's interested, we lost our first game at nashville by one silly kick, and won our next two games (by a lot...I don't think either of those teams scored on us..woooo). Then we barely claimed a win last night against the canadians we played in knoxville. That was insanely fun.
The end.
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| Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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11:02 pm - peaceful...
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(I wrote this earlier, before I left my house to head to rehearsal...which went well, by the way, just very very tiring and a lot of crappy crappy costume changes)
So I'm sittin here enjoying my last little bit of peace before a week of insanity...
oh yes, all of you who are in the Sound of Music know what i'm talking about. It means two late nights of dress rehearsals at school followed by thurs., friday, and saturday evenings of the same (except, ya know, for people those times), then finally sunday afternoon you force yourself to focus for another show when you're exhausted from emotionally draining yourself every night and not getting nearly enough sleep. Your feet ache, your voice is almost gone, your costumes seem even uglier every time you put them on, you have a constant headache from those blasted lights, the dressing room begins to smell even worse than usual, people are driving you insane...
and you really really really don't want it to stop.
Because some of those people have become your drama family (and in the musical's case, our stage family too), and you'll miss those random, crazy talks in that smelly dressing room, and you might even eventually miss being yelled at because you know that somehow that yelling made you better, and you've grown strangely (I really don't know how...) fond of the crazy costumer and her massive hot pink fluffy hat, and even miss being at school till after 10, because all of these things are a part of an experiance that you have always loved, and may not be able to do again. Once college and career take over you may no longer have time to become another person for a while, to delve into a completely different life and experiance that incredible buzz that only comes from performing.
So I'm going to relish in these next few days and enjoy the hell out of them.
Even if I have to put up with the frustrations of everyone around me and that strange dressing room smell.
Gah I love it...my third and last musical. I guess it's just another one of those senior year lasts.
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| Friday, February 3rd, 2006
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11:57 pm - Oh wow...oh wow...oh wow...
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So where will I be this summer?? huh, huh??
IN FREAKIN LEBANON WITH MY LOVELY ZAINA, THAT'S WHERE!
I can't believe my parents said yes. Seriously. This is me in complete shock.
I get to go spend 2-4 weeks in the capital of Lebanon, one of the most gorgeous, historically rich countries ever, with one of the most incredible people I know. And get to know her family and friends and all these insanely awesome sounding people, and experiance things like sidewalk cafes and gorgeous architecture and ancient roman ruins and the most amazingly beautiful ocean. Wooooow.
This is still completely shocking. I mean...wow.
This summer was already going to be a time of great changes and fun and liberation and independence and now I get to travel halfway across the world, outside of the country for the first time (lucky that we started the passport process last month). And wow.
I really don't know what else to say...
wow.
And like zuzu said, it was sooo easy. Seriously. I just asked, they discussed, and said yes.
Wow.
I love my parents soooo much right now. hehe.
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| Sunday, January 29th, 2006
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11:56 am - oh wow smiles
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everyone deserves to be happy.
Yes.
Oh wow
so so so so so so so
freakin happy
with dancing action
and butterflies
ok, cut the butterflies
rainbows.
ha.
Or maybe cookies.
Yes,
Cookies.
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| Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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8:19 pm - blahbityblahs
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so I'll admit that it's a bit of a challenge having this relationship (especially it being the fledgling that it is..even though we've been "more than friends" for months) with so many of my friends being anti-relationship. I don't plan for this to consume my life, I actually plan on spending more time with my friends than I have been, because that's what senior year should be about. But it should also be able being with people who make you happy, and he does.
And during the hopefully extremely few and far between times when he doesn't, I'll still have my friends because they're lovely and wonderful and all that jazz. Noooo I'm not an idealist, all relationships have issues they must sort through, as do friendships, but once again, more friends to help with that.
I was just tired of trying to refuse to feel those feelings, so I stopped.
And how stupid am I if I let other people decide how I'm supposed to feel? pretty stupid.
If last term was the term of getting annoyed with lots of people in our grade, this term is the term of becoming friends with people I didn't expect to, and closer friends with some.
And other crazy things.
And yeah, that trial tommorrow in A&P...that should be interesting. Had this been 2 years ago, I would have been able to completely firmly say "no stem-cell, no growing organs of any kind..blah blah blah" but now it's a lot more of a gray area. But I don't really agree with growing an entire body...as in a full system without the nervous system, that's just kinda messed up. And I think it was clint who said, where would you draw the line? If you tamper with any of it, how do you know where to stop? And who gets to decide this stuff??? I mean, would a jury of like what, 15 people, ever get to decide something this huge??? Even the supreme court or some such thing, what humans should have the right to decide what is moral in this case and what isn't? And yeah, how do you place a price on human life? How the hell is that ok???
Wow...how'd I get off on all of that?
But still...I'm open to growing certain organs, especially if they can figure out a way to grow it in the person or something. What bothers me is all the wasted embreyos (sp.?) during the process...I mean for every stem-cell that successfully builds another kidney, for example, how many are wasted? Or maybe i'm just completely wrong. Who knows, who's to judge? Haha the jury will have fun with this one...
Maybe that's my problem, in issues such as these and in relationships, I hate confrontations...maybe it's not an issue of my commitment problems, but confrontation? ok I'm done now. Really.
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| Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
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9:50 pm - So this term won't be too shabby...
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Today was a lot more interesting than I was expected, because more happy, awesome people are in my classes than I had thought. Always a cause for celebration! Singers is already pretyt much great because of the musical, and then we have A&P, which has a large amount of people I love and no one that I really don't, then econ which will turn out ok because of the lovely people in there. And 2nd lunch is far better than 4th...silly silly. And Government will be an OK way to end the day, I think. I can already tell that Voto will spend a large amount of time trying to debate with Mrs. Piper..that will be interesting.
So pretty much all around, it turned out as well as it could I think. Well, dunno who all is in my lunch yet, but at least the people from econ are. Yay!
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| Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
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11:51 am
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suffocating, drowning, choking, dream-obliterating, numbing, frustrating, angering, basically icky-not-very-good stuff.
That's how I thought this would be.
But it's not.
Not at all.
It's lovely.
And lots of good things.
Yes. It's good to be understood.
I LOVE BEING UNDERSTOOD! Well...somewhat understood anyway :-)
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| Sunday, January 1st, 2006
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8:43 am
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Bought some shoes, bought some shoes!
And went to kayla's fun dance times..started out slow but we got the party (partayyy) started eventually (we being mainly the utter awesome insanity of linds alex and marcia..they glowed,and it was purely lovely). Then off to Erin's for a bit where bunch of happy friends were gathered playing "Scene-it" and whatnot. Totally was dressed in my super hot fun times dress, and they were all casual friday. It was lovely though, compliments and whatnot. And bryan (whom I had taken to dance times) actually got to meet some of my friends so yay for that! Then we were gonna go chill with some of his friends for a while (because i literally feel cold around them...ok i'm just makin shit up now) buuuut he was too tired or something and I was pretty much zonked out too (zonked..fun) sooo we just went on back to his house and began the waiting for the drop.
After said drop, we drank coke from his kickass glass bottles and made toasts to the new year. Our resolutions include, but are not limited to: not letting people come between our friendship during the next year (yeah, sounds corny, but its real life worries, my friends), be pretty much awesome, don't start things with eachother (not going into long, droning explanation about that), stop world hunger (ok so that was just mine..), and just more stuff about not listening to people's crap. Oh and not letting people attack eachother. I'm sure there was more, but ehhh.
Then we looked at the stars for the while, which are pretty much, ya know, incredible. As they are stars. And whatnot.
Ok, so I have to go get ready for church now..and i have about 3 minutes to get ready.
Off to confession!
or not..because I am not catholic, and we don't confess. Or something. Ramble, ramble, babble babble babble. Fun times.
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| Friday, December 23rd, 2005
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1:59 pm - *you make my heart smile*
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Somehow, even with people's noses butting in, with friends glaring, people making rude comments, random people sending more than rude annonymous text messages, I have one of my best friends back, and have for a couple of days. And it feels good. Regardless of the crap at the dance, I'm now even more content with life than I was before...yay :-)
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| Saturday, December 17th, 2005
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2:17 pm - I really wish...
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I really wish people would avoid talking about things they know nothing about..
I really wish people would actually listen to what is said instead of already forming their opinion
I really wish I could get some of the things that were said out of my head..
I really wish she could stay out of it, because it's honestly not helping anything..
I really wish people could hear both sides of the story..
I really wish I didn't care so much...
I really wish he understood the depth of the words he said..
I really wish he knew that hey, I have feelings too..
I really wish I could forget...
how much it hurts when he says I never even cared about him..
Because that's the reason for all my wishes.
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11:59 am
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Vultures
Picking at the threadbare remains
of the life that was once there
the vigor, the warm lifeblood
of the friendship that fulfilled-
like so many prophecies
and brought meaning back
to a heart which yearned for kindness
a girl who needed that friendship
Now gone, by the malicious, retched
vultures of their missunderstandings
Ever picking at the slivers of meat,
the caring, days spent together
Until all that remains
Is the bitterness
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| Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
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10:09 pm - every girl's dream..ish
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a blog entry I wrote for my myspace
Every little girl dreams of a handsome prince on a white horse who will come and whisk her away to a far away land where the rivers run chocolate, and the castle gleams in the sunlight. Or maybe your prince was more rugged and slayed dragons, climbed up your hair to release you from your tower, or chopped through feet of thick, thorny vines to rescue you. Regardless, as you grew older, you realized that most boys prefer sports cars to horses, and would rather beat eachother up then slay dragons. And forget about them climbing the tallest tower to reach you, they'd probably get lost on the way.
Ok, so before the boys get angry with me, remember this entry isn't to diss you, this is for the girls.
Have we lost our childlike innocence? Yes, they certainly aren't perfect, and I completely dissagree with surrounding one's life with all things male, but on occasion, some quality time with good guys is healthy. Notice, I said "occasion" and "some" there. It is still crucial that we spend more time with our friends (be it girl or boy) then we do with our "significant other," or they will become the "significant only" as in, the only important person in your life.
Still, it's time that we returned a bit to our youthful dreams, the same heart and imagination that had you weaving crowns out of wildflowers and making castles out of jungle gyms will help you make it through the rough transitions of the coming year. Especially to fellow seniors, even though everyone's telling us that our childhood is over and "high school was the best time of my life" honestly, refuse to listen to them. If high school ends up being the best four years of your life...then baby, your life's pretty sad.
So don't be afraid to be silly and childish. Make a freakin mud pie, play in the rain, catch a snowflake on your tongue, and take the time to smell some flowers. Because if we don't enjoy our time as teenagers, no one will enjoy it for us.
And please, remember your prince, but don't be in any rush to get to him. He'll be waiting with his sports car when the time comes.
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| Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
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11:30 pm - (grandpa) Ralph
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So, I've now spoken to my grandfather on the phone. Ya know, my dad's dad. The one I'd never met and wasn't sure if he was even still alive because he left my dad and grandmother when he was a baby and my great-grandfather resented him and wouldn't allow him to ever contact my dad? Well, yeah, that one. Hmm...you don't understand? Ok, don't worry, I'll fill you in sometime soon. But just know, that this is good. Very, very good.
Writing to long-lost relatives can actually have a happy ending...
Oh, and someone suggested I write a short novel about it.
Or go on Oprah. She'd definitely lap it up.
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| Sunday, November 13th, 2005
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12:55 am
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...I don't wanna fall...I don't wanna! (whiney voice).
It's so odd and unexpected and odd..
and not me. But that's the beauty of it.
also, so much different then I expected from them.
and ohh...
it's just lovely.
That's pretty much all there is.
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